apples for poppy anne

A Perfectly Blustery Day

It is a perfectly blustery day on this, the first snow storm of the winter.  I perfect day for Mike to work from home and create a simple informational website for my dad and step-mom's organic farm.  While he puttered at that, I finished Poppy's stocking made from an old wool blanket and fabric remnants for  a total cost of about 50 cents!  I then started knitting her pixie hat made from a most wonderful chocolate brown bamboo yarn.

The cats are blissed out upon the couches and chairs while the fire warms us all to the toes.  I can't help but wish we could keep our lovely tree all season long with her regal branches draped in oranges and cinnamon and a subtle pine scent dancing out in every direction.

 
Thoughts and visions of a sustainable life and intentional farm community have been swirling within these walls of late and it is enlivening.  I am most inspired to see that this couple is living comfortably about 2 1/2 hours away in an Earthship they were able to build for $43,000.

More photos and details to come with regards to everything I have mentioned above, but for now I am drinking in the fading evening light and attempting to grasp just how amazing and perfect our life is right now...and the amazing plans to make it even more perfectly authentic.

e.

Our 2009 Christmas Card

See more photos here.

peace.
 

What I know for sure...

 

In less than two weeks, Poppy will be nine months old.  Nearly enough time has passed to make another baby, and the more I look at this little person, I realize just how different she is from the tiny lump we brought home; that she is in fact a "new baby".  Though pregnancy and labour were not at all what I had hoped for or envisioned, my heart aches a little to have those tiny sleepy days back.  And yet, I wouldn't trade these precious days of giggles and movement for anything. 

The upcoming milestone has brought me to a place of contemplation; contemplation of what has happened, what is to come, and what I would have done differently.  And so, I thought I would compile as many of my thoughts and lessons, as well as some of Poppy's milestones, into one blog post as possible.  We all have different values, priorities, and beliefs and the words below are what I know to be true for our own experiences only. 

Poppy and Her Milestones:

• On March 19th, Poppy gave her first real smile to Daddy.
• On June 25th, she gave mama her first giggle and rolled over on her own
• On July 10th, we found out she could sit up with out any help.
• On July 13th, she gobbled her first bit of organic rice cereal.
• On August 1st she stood up in her playpen.
• On September 27th, she made "mama" her first word and later in the evening made "Dada" her second word.
• On September 28th, she balanced on all fours, and has since mastered the art of crawling.
• She flirts with the notion of walking and carefully steadies herself on a chair or our hands, lets go and then vibrates with joy when she finds herself standing alone.
• She realized the joy of having daddy "chase" her as she crawls away squealing, giggling, and looking back often to make sure he is still following her.
• Just this Tuesday we awoke to find she had cut her first tooth without even an ounce of crankiness, fever, or drooling.
• People often comment to us in long lineups and waiting rooms how pleasant she is and ask if she is always this delightful to which we always beam and reply with a smiling yes.  And those eyes!  Not a stranger will glance at her without commenting on those brilliant blue inquisitive eyes.

Being a mother is my highest calling in this lifetime.

At the risk of sounding trite, I love everything about being a mama.  I love breastfeeding, attachment parenting, co-sleeping/bed sharing.  As someone who struggled most of her life to find a career that fit, I am happy to know that mama-hood is the job for me.  Though I have my moments of sheer frustration and exhaustion, I recover quickly and feel incomplete when I am away from my little family for any amount of time.  I have not once wished that I could escape or turn back time.  The transition has been a sweet one and teaches me everyday what I will and won't stand for {both as a mother and as a woman}.

I have discovered a deep love and reward for breastfeeding. 

I knew the endless benefits of breastfeeding, but the very thought of it made me squeamish.  I had no idea it could feel this natural and make me feel so connected and necessary even though I am a huge believer in following our body's lead and nature always knowing best.  Despite my irrational and unexplained nervousness about it, I knew without a doubt that I would commit myself to it for the minimum of a year because it would be healthiest, for my baby and myself.  This isn't to say it was always pretty or romantic what with engorged breasts, blocked ducts, bleeding, and toe curling pain, but it has been worth it and I am entirely committed to it. 

A dear friend said to me just the other week that there comes a time when you grow up and stop putting yourself first and that time is when you become a parent.  This isn't to say you are no longer of importance, but that when a child is involved you set aside immaturities and decide to communicate, and you do things that are uncomfortable because they are for the greater good.  It is what you sign up for.

We have learned that so many items labeled as baby "must haves" are highly overrated.

We tried our best to not buy into the commercial lists printed on registries and magazines, but through taking advice from well-meaning friends and acquaintances and a little bit of guesswork we ended up with a lot of items we could do without.  

The Overrated:

Cribs {night time nursing is so much easier when co-sleeping}
Strollers {though handy at times it is more often not so}
Baby Swings
Endless amounts of receiving blankets
Baby Tubs
Changing Pads
Plastic Toys {why bother when pots, pans, wooden spoons, remotes and phones are much more attractive and entertaining anyway}
Shoes
Baby Trainers and their books
Bathing suits {the birthday suit always fits}

The Essentials:

A good quality sling or carrier.  {Best.  Investment.  Ever.}
Sleepers
Cold weather clothing {hats, coats, socks, mitts, etc}
A bassinet {I found a beautiful sea grass bassinet for $10 at our local Value Village}
A camera
Dr. Sears'  collection of books
A highchair
Baby gates and/or a playpen
Bibs
Baby washcloths

Advice I would give if ever asked:

Put down the parenting and training books.  Follow your baby’s lead.  Honour the wise little spirits within them.  Babies are not burdened by social filters and know exactly what they want and need.  Pick them up when they reach for you.  Comfort them when they cry.  Help them sleep when they don't know how to stop moving long enough to do it themselves.  Teach them that they can trust you so that they can explore the wide world wholeheartedly with you safely at their back.  Love and listening does not spoil a child.

 

What I hope to give Poppy and our future children:

It is very important for me to stay home with Poppy (and any other babes we may have).  We really want to homeschool/unschool {I would love any links or reccomendations on these topics if you care to share...especially Canadian resources!}.  Mostly, I want her to listen to her gut and instincts.  So many things in my life could have been different if I had listened to my heart and done what I wanted rather than doing what others thought to be suitable.  I want to foster that trust of self as much as I can so that she/they may realize her own dreams and potential.  I think everything else falls into place if you have a strong sense of self.

 

e.

Bonjour

We have returned from a most lovely Quebec City.  We had a wonderful time eating croissants and wandering the cobblestone roads and narrow streets.  The Chateau glowed as though it were some magical castle upon a hill as we meandered the foggy boardwalk at dusk.  It wasn't hard to imagine we were in Paris and we couldn't help feeling slightly envious of the city's inhabitants.  Every street with its very own soundtrack of harps and song.  We ate breakfast beside open windows with the clip-clop of horse's hooves outside.  Even the simplest greetings sounded like happy french songs to our english ears.  Everyone we encountered spoke english and sadly never challenged us to speak french. 

I couldn't help but feel a little disappointed with myself for retaining barely an ounce of the french I took in school everyday for 10 years or more.  How lame.  So Mike and I made a pact that we would make it our goal to learn the language once and for all; a goal we have both hoped to one day fulfill.

It was a lovely trip, but my heart ached for home.  You see, we recently inherited enough furniture and items from Gramma's house to refurnish our living room and beyond.  A couch and two antique chairs, a craft cabinet spattered with paint.  A spinning wheel and huge amounts of un-spun wool.  Cameras, jars, books and blankets.  I find myself burying my face into the cushions and blankets trying to commit the scent to memory as I know it will soon fade.  Salty tears mix with a pain I never knew takes my breath away when I realize I will never smell it again.  So I sleep under her blankets, knit in her chair and cook with her pans and quietly hope that she will one day visit Poppy with a message of love.

I finally rid our kitchen of teflon and plastic cooking utensils and began using Gramma's cast iron frying pan.  My eyes welled up as I made our first dinner and the heat released the smell of Gramma's cooking and home into my own kitchen.  Like the rings of a tree tells the tree's story, cast iron holds a homemaker's tale in its seasoned layers.

I don't know if it is the season or the comfortable antique chairs calling me to sit for a spell, but I am nesting like never before.  I have mentioned before that this house has felt impermanent to me, but with the addition of Gramma's things it somehow feels more complete and welcoming now.  I feel energized and rooted here now.  I sit in her chair and reacquaint myself with knitting projects tossed aside in the young days of spring.

Yesterday Mike and I made 11 jars of spicy salsa from our very own tomatoes (barely making a dent in the abundance) and 4 jars of organic apple butter.  I now know the sweet satisfaction of snapping lids of the resting jars.  I think we shall buy a preserve cupboard at the Farmer's Market for our treasures.

The end of my paid maternity leave is looming and I fight the panicky feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think of it so today will be dedicated to Etsy shop construction craft show searching.  There is something exciting and freeing about challenging ourselves to a frugal and simple life though.  I can't deny the thrill I get when I make something with my own hands or change an overripe banana's destiny to that of warm banana bread.  It is as though my body holds onto some sort of cell memory that responds and swells when I busy my hands and heart with the fading arts of homemaking.

I am exactly where I am meant to be.  I am grateful and perfectly happy.  I will begin to weave while trusting the Universe to provide me with the thread I need.  I trust this sated warm feeling in the pit of my belly to be contentment {finally} in fulfilling a life purpose.

P.S. See more of our trip photos here!

e.

I have begun reading Feeding the Whole Family by Cynthia Lair and am loving the intuitive, back-to-basics advice within its smooth cover.

It is, however, bringing to light just how many unhealthy food habits we still carry around.  After everything I have read, all the things I know, the documentaries I have watched, and despite my father and step mom being generous organic farmers I still struggle with eating right; I am still at war with these clingy, unhealthy pounds.

During pregnancy, I ballooned and was 55 pounds heavier by the final day.  I had good intentions and promised myself I would eat whole foods, green foods, nutrient dense foods.  I promised dad to eat all organic meat and to let him know when our freezer needed re-stocking.  I vowed to walk everyday.  The first 6 weeks were fine.  We toasted almonds and made a delicious spinach salad every night.  I always envisioned myself to be a glowing goddess when pregnant, but when pregnancy reality hit, it hit hard.  I was shipwrecked and plagued with constant nausea.  I craved comfort and "reward" foods of childhood days; things like alphaghetti, and kraft dinner became sad dietary staples.  The scent of the toasted almonds and spinach made my stomach churn and head spin.  I forbade Mike to make it in my presence again.  Pregnancy played evil tricks on me and I spent most of that summer on the floor or in bed with a sour stomach eating popsicles, grapes, and apples.

The nausea stuck with me for most of my pregnant days and I continued to grow, sleep and eat while Mike ran and shrank (nearly 40 pounds) and medicated me with food.  All of the things I had feared and hoped against had found me.  The lack of exercise and nutrients led to bouts of crying and dull depression and the cycle continued.

Today, I have managed to lose 42 pounds fairly effortlessly due to breast feeding and a more varied diet without aversions or cravings.  Though I am still eating a far from ideal diet.

I, in no way, want to make this blog about weight or weight loss, but it is an inevitable part of my journey.  In order to live an authentic and healthful life, I yearn to find balance in all areas of my life.  A great deal of my self-hate stems from my sub-par care of self.  This isn't something that I want to pass onto Poppy.  I want her to be in tune with her body's signals and needs and follow her intuition.  I don't to restrict her as forbidden fruit is always the most attractive, but I want to empower her to to make the right decisions. Until this morning, as I read Feeding the Whole Family, I was living in some sort of dream world in which I feed Poppy organic and homemade foods while I eat things I would never dream of giving her.  The day will come that she realizes we are eating different things and an unnecessary war begins.

Don't get me wrong, I love to cook, I love to bake, I love fruits and veggies, and there are very few foods that I refuse to eat.  We eat mainly organic meat and more veggies and fruits than most.  We drink water and rarely have pop in the house.  We avoid artificial sweeteners at all costs.  I love quinoa, and brown rice and never turn down herbs and spices.  Yet, I still cling to this unhealthy love affair with food; a part emotional, part physical addiction.

This book and new way of viewing things may just be the stepping stone I need.  You see, I have been a terrible friend to myself as I constantly make promises and then break them days or hours later.  Perhaps by doing this for Poppy it will be given a new sense of urgency and importance from which we will both benefit.

My goals

• Eat strictly organically produced meat, eggs, and dairy
• Greatly reduce processed sugars, high fructose corn syrup in daily foods
• Eat more legumes and grains
• Make from scratch the daily meals and snacks
• Limit or eliminate completely, sugar, pop, and processed convenience foods
• Participate in walking, swimming, light weights, jogging, yoga, and or meditation at least 5 times per week

Of course life will take hold at certain times and convenience will win.  We will eat birthday cakes and indulge ourselves in a pop {organic or not} or two.  We will undoubtedly eat Tony's pizza on hot days and at some fast food joint along highway 401 during a long road trip.  But with a good foundation all will not be lost.

e.

P.S. If you have some yummy and healthy recipes you would like to share, please email them to me at [email protected]!

 

The sale on Gramma's house closes tomorrow.  The one constant home of childhood will be in someone else's hands now.  A young couple bought it.  They have a five month old, five dogs and three cats and I can't help but think it is the tiny house's destiny to love hold a young family with lots of pets as it could have easily been us (with our 5+ month old, two dogs and four cats) moving in if we so wanted.  I believe they will take good care of it and Gramma's birds and raspberries.

It was heartbreaking to sift through the fabrics, paints and papers.  Paintings that will never be painted, letters and cards that will never be sent, fabrics who have no idea what they were meant to be.  She began so many projects and I knew then and there where I got the tendency to constantly try new creative endeavors and place them, half finished, in a closet for a later time.  I know I will leave a similar houseful of beautiful and incomplete messes for those I love. 

I took what I could.  Frames, sketchpads that she practiced in, pastels, a basket of wool she was spinning, her spinning wheel, her mixer, some rusty wire, horseshoes made by my dad, a couple pieces of her blue glass collection, recipe books, her art desk, and much more. 

I was happy to receive an email from my Aunt who is wanting to do some sort of art therapy with the items that remain, but have limited purpose.  Items like her wedding dress and gardening shoes.  I am excited and honoured that she would want me to be a a part of this and wonder what the process will hold for us all.

When we went last week for one final go around to take what we wanted or needed of Gramma's an interesting thing happened.  I went out to grab something from the car and noticed a tiny brown feather perfectly nestled into the grass as though waiting for me.  Without thinking, I knew Gramma was saying hello.  Just as she did the first time I went to her house after she passed and there on her bed, as I nursed Poppy, I saw a book I had given her one Christmas opened to February 20th, Poppy's birthday.  The strange thing being that she had been living with my dad and step mom and hadn't been home in over four months.  It was sitting on top of her wedding photo. 

Later that same day, I walked out to the car with more treasures and a tiny brown bird who had been sitting by the car flitted away.  I smiled and said hello as I liked the thought of Gramma communicating with birds; it was so fitting.  Janet then pointed to the sky above the house and exclaimed to look up.  There in the quiet sky, floated a large crane (or heron...how do you tell the difference?).  It was so close that we could hear the creak of its wings as it began to gently lower itself as though to land in the tiny pond in the front yard.  It then raised itself up again and flew of above the pines towards the beaver pond a short distance away.

Sometimes when the house is quiet and Poppy is focused on a blank wall or an empty direction and smiles I smile and say hello because it might be Gramma.  And sometimes when I smell her or a scent that makes me think of her my eyes well up and a warm feeling fills me to the brim.  I am often reminded of an old wicker rocking chair at my mom's house that once belonged to her beloved grandmother.  Every once in a while it would creak as though someone were sitting in it.  Mom always said it was her Gramma visiting. 

She had many books about ghosts and hauntings and wonder if she had similar experiences with those she had loved and lost.

Perhaps. 

e.

 

{many more pictures to be posted once I get the go-ahead from the honeymooning couple}

This weekend, we were invited to the most beautiful outdoor wedding of my dear step-sister Melissa and her long time love Alex.  It was held in a provincial park just outside of Barrie; the natural setting was rivaled only by the stunning bride and groom.  There, amidst the tall pines and winding trails, they vowed their love to one another while their friends and family looked on.  They are a kind and generous couple perfectly matched from their adventurous spirits to their strong family ties.

Melissa and I didn't always get to spend a lot of time together growing up as I spent summers and weekends away when they would often visit.  Over the past 10 years, there has been a deep reconnection and I couldn't be happier.  They would travel to the ends of the world in a weekend in order to support their loved ones and never forget a birthday or holiday.  Those who are loved by these two never have to doubt it or question it.

So, to the lovely couple, because I didn't get to say it on your day, we love you; we look forward to making up for lost time; and we feel utterly blessed to have you in our lives.  May you be blessed with every happiness life has to offer

 

e.