Mike bought the above painting for my 29th birthday this past Monday. I have loved many of Michael Sowa's work after first seeing it in Amelie {my most favourite movie}. Dark and rather touching. Some art just speaks to me; reminds me of something that is easy to forget. A short film plays in my mind whenever I look at this {I can't help but also be reminded of this little film called kiwi that makes me both sad and happy}. I see a quiet forest late in the day and hear the pounding of this lone pig galloping with fervor in a moment of pure and fearless inspiration. I love the capture of joy and anticipation in this piece; you don't see or hear the splash or find out how deep the pond is. Time was frozen at the exact moment of perfect joy and letting go. I often need that reminder to jump in and let go.
This isn't to say that I expected this journey to be without its set backs and frustrations, but there are days when I feel utterly alone and too strange for this world. Its tough trying to learn fading arts by yourself. It is frustrating trying to be the parent you want to be while being subtly judged, questioned, and teased. Exhausting. Having to look up every step on google and you tube when it would be much simpler and wholesome to have someone show you and walk along side of you. Defending your actions to those who have no desire to support, but only to put their own shortcomings and regrets on you. I am a dreamer and an idealist at heart and a sensitive one at that. I hold tight to tiny criticisms and gloss over the big compliments. I doubt myself daily.
I love this quote by Marianne Williamson.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
There is so much truth in this. By being powerful and wonderful we not only live to our fullest potential, but give others permission to do the same. I struggle with thoughts of success. I can't possibly write a book because no one else in my life has. I can't be a great photographer because I have never taken a class and see beauty in strange things. I can't sew anything great because I only took grade nine sewing. Who would want to buy something made by little ol me? I am only a beginner; a dabbler. I am full of excuses to not be powerful. I minimize what I am capable of.
There are those out there who believe the internet is sucking the life out of our human relationships and experiences. On some levels this is true, but for me and my use of it, it has been an inspiring and helpful place. I have found an astounding community of talented and fearless sewers, knitters, bakers, parents, and entrepreneurs in blog land, but in my immediate world they are few and far between. In the real world I struggle with being myself. I write differently than I speak. Sometimes I am afraid of being too warm or open or honest. I don't want to appear flaky and yet when I write, people respond warmly and appreciatively. This is where I feel safe. Though I am surrounded by loving and supportive souls, I am rarely understood. I feel my written words are more accepted than my spoken words ever could be.
When I began this journey of blogging, I warned that it would be a battle. A year of bravery and boldness doesn't come without inner struggles and demons coming to light. And though I feel like giving up {after all, it would be cheaper and easier} I will plod on because I am driven to create and perfect and be brilliant. So I will take the sewing machine in to figure out what I am doing wrong; I will cut my pattern; I will continue to write; I will google it and you tube it; I will continue to be grateful for and find inspiration in the kindred folks in both my immediate world and the blog world; I will continue to wage war on the demons and doubts until I find creative peace.
e.
she's back!
oh, how we've missed these words from you.
my sentiments exactly.
let us all be blessed and challenged by your thoughts.
thanks for sharing.
Posted by: jennifer | 06/25/2009 at 11:44 AM
I'm also a sensitive person who has regular self doubts while trying to live my life and raise my family in a specific way that feels right to me. It's good to hear about those from others because blogs, as inspiring as they can be, often unintentionally present a vision of a 'perfect', ultra-competent life. Hard to measure up to even if you share the same general goals. So I for one am glad to hear someone talk about their doubts as a parent, a human.
So thank you for sharing!
Posted by: Karen | 06/25/2009 at 11:58 AM
Oh Erin...I am so right there with you. And that is one of my favorite quotes by Marianne Williamson. Thank you so much for reminding me of it and it's powerful demand that we should allow ourselves to be and dream big! Forge ahead...you are doing a wonderful job!
Posted by: Elizabeth | 06/25/2009 at 12:02 PM
O Girl I love reading your thoughts and words ;-) You take that machine in and fix it lol. I always wanted to sew but was intimidated by it thinking I could never learn that. But I came across Soulemama's blog and it pushed me out there and well I now own a machine and have sewn an apron and a few pillowcases ;-) I love it and it was not what I thought it would be. It was my fear of failing something I wanted so years passed and I never attempted. That part of me is left behind. ;-) I enjoy seeing whats going on, on your blog do not stop ;-) The movie Amelie Was great!!
Posted by: Mara | 06/25/2009 at 12:57 PM
I want to be that pig as you've described, plunging with fearlessness. When I was a child, doubts were instilled in me that now I find it hard to overcome. A picture that I drew when I was 8 for art homework was questioned by the teacher who said it was drawn by someone older, that I at that age couldn't have drawn that well. A dress sewing project in high school failed as my mom don't like to sew and I had no one to turn to for advice. The teacher said I had no aptitude for sewing and I stopped sewing since. Now, with children, I want to instill in them creativity but filled with self-doubt on my ability. Then, I discoverd creative bloggers and I'm inspired by them. I'm just at the beginning of the journey to re-inspire myself again when I read your words. They are the exact sentiments of what I'm going through. It's a comfort that I'm not the only one who feels that way. Thanks for sharing!
Posted by: Anne | 06/25/2009 at 01:57 PM
I agree wholeheartedly with the parenting and judgements and self confidence issues, just when I think I do something right, I am surprised by some new odd disturbance in our plan.....thank you for this post, I am not alone and i love your birthday gift painting!
Posted by: michelle | 06/25/2009 at 02:17 PM
I used to read your blog on xanga and now I'm a silent guest here. It is nice that you share your thoughts and ideas...it's inspiring. I found myself relating to this post today and wanted to say thank you for letting us see that we are not alone in the struggle to be extraordinary individuals. Some days I feel like I'm about to burst because I know I have something unique inside me that I want to express. My creative energy sometimes gets stuck inside me because I'm afraid to take that next step and just let it flow. It's hard to be yourself in a world where people fear to be different. My perfect world is a community in which you describe on here often and it gives me hope that one day I will find like minded individuals that will help me in my quest for a simple way of living. I know I have to take the first step to make it possible.
I wish you the best on your journeys. I am curious are you still working as a hygienist? I recently got my license and I find the environment not what I expected. I know financially it will help me with future goals but it drains my creativity. I was just wondering how you deal/dealt with it? :)
Posted by: Jessica | 06/25/2009 at 04:46 PM
thank you. what a lovely hopeful post. I am in a real struggle season right now, and it was such a refreshing read.
Posted by: Jen | 06/25/2009 at 05:40 PM
Erin - your words touched me on so many different levels. today was my last day of work - I got a lot of "are you sure's?". Then I got going in my little good bye party how I am looking to live more sustainably by having chickens, my garden and doing more with less. Everyone stared at me like I was from a different planet. Some just don't get it - but that does not matter. Be Yourself - I just wrote about that on my blog. Be Yourself and realize what is good for you is not always good for others - and that is okay. (same words from my post). Yes, blog land is awesome! I am glad I found you.
Posted by: Denise | 06/25/2009 at 05:46 PM
Erin,
It is so much easier to write than to speak, and where I often stammer to get just the right word out in speaking (is this girl really very smart? surely my listener must be thinking!) in writing it is easy to say what you mean and hopefully mean what you say.
Doubt is good for me because it means I'm not perfect, and there is always room to grow...I'd hate to have everything tidy and in its place because it would be mighty boring...and the same goes for raising your daughter YOUR way...when she turns out lovely and kind and wonderful and not typical, you will be so grateful you stuck to your ideals and thankful that you did not take shortcuts (because it is so, so easy to take shortcuts, and I have found it more and more tempting as time passes and Tristan grows older, but I hold on still to my ideals and how I feel he needs to be raised).
Hold tight to what you believe in. Doubts are inevitable when you go against the stream. Thank you for the quote. I need to go back and start Everyday Grace again - I opened it last week but I am so into fiction right now, the spiritual side of me has taken a break since Tristan was born 2 1/2 years ago....! Not to say that November Grass and Gideon don't have their own spirituality within them though...:)
Posted by: genny | 06/25/2009 at 06:02 PM
I love that quote and found resonance in your words. Thank you. I feel so similarly. There have been so many times when I find myself angry that my mother and grandmother no longer held the skills I deem necessary and priceless. I don't want to invent the wheel! I want to continue the continuum!
Luckily, we have this world wide web where we can reach out together and learn, and share and blossom.
I want nothing less than spectacular this lifetime!!!!!!
Posted by: hillary | 06/25/2009 at 09:23 PM
Thank you for saying this. I have been struggling with this very thing, this very week. I love Marianne Williamson and the thought that we have to be small for others around us is there. But, not true. And, to hear you speak of this and write my thoughts...well, it just makes me believe that the right messages reach us in many interesting ways. I wish you luck in this journey to discover the true you and I wish the same for myself. Thank you for inspiring me.
Posted by: Kellen | 06/26/2009 at 12:19 AM
Birthdays often bring up similar feelings for me as I look at the year before and set goals for the next (that I rarely accomplish). Parenting is still challenging, my kids are 8 and 13. There are wonderful moments and really hard ones always. No matter how much of your time is spent thinking about your kids' growth and feelings, they don't often return the favor. Persevere, I too have found a lot of solace on the web. Your site is one of the places that encourages me. You are also lucky to have a husband who would get you such a thoughtful gift.
I'm also adding some more photos to yesterday's challenge.
Posted by: Andrea Kidssweet | 06/26/2009 at 06:29 AM
You've put into words what so many think and feel. Thank you for sharing and know that you are not alone.
Posted by: Michele | 06/26/2009 at 07:49 AM
Thank you for your refreshing honesty and vulnerablity. I am feeling such similar things in my world too -- isolated in my interests and goals -- sadly judged and questioned by my parenting choices. I find solace your words -- I feel less alone and more inspired that someone as cool as you is fighting the same fight. Thank you --- we don't know each other but you affect my life daily with your inpirational blog.
Posted by: Kate | 06/26/2009 at 07:46 PM
The best gift that you give to those of us blessed to know you, even via electronic means, is the gift of being you, perfect as you are, you. You don't have to talk like you write, you don't have to sew perfectly right away or be sunshine and smiles everyday. You can't imagine how you affect and inspire others, especially the more honest and real you are. Thank you for the unique gifts you bring to life- and they fit just where they're needed in this Universe. :)
Posted by: Annette | 06/26/2009 at 08:15 PM
Didn't Nelson Mandela say that first? Just a niggling thought...
Posted by: Kristine | 06/26/2009 at 09:59 PM
Info that I found stated that it is often incorrectly credited to Nelson Mandela...hard to know what source to trust...
Thanks
Posted by: apples for poppy anne | 06/26/2009 at 10:19 PM
Hey! Great post! I can relate to you...although we are the same age, my oldest son is 5 1/2 years old...so I can rememeber feeling eactly how you did on every level from parenting to sewing
...and then honestly, sh*t happened, life, hardships, whatever you want to call it, there where times when I had no idea what to do next in a variety of situations. Because I was a mama, I had to hang in, and my husband and I followed our own instincts and did what we thought was right and things all worked out...
It took me long enough, but I guess you can say that I am pretty brave! Today I can trust myself and know what is right for me...get that machine fixed! Although my grandmother did not teach me, as she died years ago, she certainly inspired me to learn. I feel that much more powerful in knowing that I was brave enough to learn how to do these things that one day I can pass on to my children... You rock, no worries.
alison
Posted by: http://mysweetbabu.typepad.com | 06/27/2009 at 02:32 PM
E. What you are feeling I believe it that heart of being an artist. We all feel this way a great deal of the time. Maybe it is what defines us as artists and not dabblers? When we make art we are putting alittle piece of ourselves into everything single thing that we do, how can we not feel depleated and think that there is not point in going on as we have nothing left to give. Then we sell a piece, get a great compliment or even someone telling you what you do is what inspires them. Your energy comes up, you feel replenished and we go on doing what it is that we love. Quiting is not easy it is the hardest choice. I can not even imagine how hard it would be to sit behind a desk rather than my wheel.
Posted by: Jamie | 06/27/2009 at 11:21 PM
wow. brilliantly written. I love how modern technology (blogging, google, you tube, etc)can really bring out the most fundamental aspects of humanity. Its more beautiful and raw than i ever imagined it could be. I also love those moments where you realize that what you have spoken and sent out to the universe comes back to you in a bright and shining way at exactly the moment you need it. I wrote about that Marianne Williamson quote a couple of days ago and I am amazed at how quickly I had forgotten her lesson. Thank you for reminding me.
Posted by: Ashley Brooke Inzer | 06/29/2009 at 05:27 PM
i am loving you. your words about waging war on the demons and doubts reminded me of the books i am loving so much right now......the wizard of earth sea series by ursula k le guin. she so beautifully puts this experience into metaphor and just won me over entirely with her storytelling. kind-f like you are with these very emotional and revealing words you are putting up.
thank you.
Posted by: heather | 06/30/2009 at 12:01 AM